Asking Eric: Mother still paying rent for child’s ex

Dear Eric I had a relationship with a man for eight years during a turbulent time in my life We broke up five years ago He has cut all contact with me However he still talks to my mother She pays his rent bought him a new car that was the same make and model as the one she helped me buy but one year newer I have advised her that her contact with my ex makes me uncomfortable I know she is her own person and I can t make her stop But I hate that he is still connected to and leeching off of my parents She has specific story about owing him something for how he took care of me blech I m an adult and can take care of myself The other story she has informed me is she will stop contact once he graduates his teaching effort he has been in and out of various teaching programs since How can I get her to see how awkward and inappropriate her contact with my ex is As it currently stands she doesn t talk about him with me but sometimes I walk in on her on a phone call and she won t tell me who it is so I right away know who it is because she wouldn t hide anyone else from me and sometimes I accidentally see her emails from his property company What can I do Awkward Forever Dear Awkward Forever This is more than awkward it seems close to predatory It s especially troubling that your ex has cut off contact with you but still maintains a one-sided financial relationship with your mother While you re right that your mother is her own person and has to be responsible for her decisions if she s been convinced that she owes your ex something it s attainable that this has hallmarks of financial elder abuse I want to stress the word feasible I cannot say for certain that s what s happening But if you suspect your mother is being exploited financially contact your local Adult Protective Services Initiative you can google the APS for your state or go to napsa-now org to find listings for every state Dear Eric My home has been the gathering place for family functions for years I was the family event planner organizing trips putting down the deposits and planning holidays You name it I did it It was very stressful but I did it for family unity I decided to shut down all family functions at my home with the exception of my children and grandchildren after I experienced an unexpected job layoff that lasted two years I solicited family members for financial help but I received so a large number of excuses of why they could not help me I understood However during this period I was still petitioned What are the plans for XYZ Are you kidding me I was barely meeting my financial demands I kindly informed them I am not hosting anymore family functions Someone else requirements to take on the reins Well no one did I eventually gained employment and enjoyed a wonderful career Now I m enjoying retirement I have gotten snarky comments over the years whenever I post pictures of my children and grandchildren enjoying ourselves e g Oh you went on vacation and did not tell anyone I yearned to go too I usually ignore these comments I guess with retirement I can in the end read the comments versus zooming through them But it s starting to rile me up Should I say something Host with the The greater part Related Articles Asking Eric Girls trip with mother-in-law ends in resentment Asking Eric Friend s daughter s bad manners ruin social group Asking Eric Parents refuse to return from vacation for hospitalized son Asking Eric Ex-husband turned children against ex-wife Asking Eric Retired friends disappear from life Dear Host Ooh there s very little that burns my biscuits more than a passive-aggressive social media comment Where s my invite I don t know where s your down payment Selected people see gentle needling as the same as a compliment or benign conversation I heartily disagree You re rightfully still feeling frustration about the fact that your family didn t rise to the occasion when you had to step back from hosting It s about financial encouragement yes but it s also about values It s easy to feel like your efforts were taken for granted back then And comments about your present excursions likely feel the same What you want is for someone to say I see how hard you worked to make things nice for our family Thank you I appreciate you We should have made things nice for you too but I m happy you have the time and means to create memories and enjoy yourself now If you re not hearing it from them hear it from me I m happy for you you deserve this Every time one of those comments riles you up pull up a photo album from a current trip and remind yourself that a few people just talk about plans or type about them and specific people do them You re a doer Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com