Asking Eric: Sister fears her bullying caused sister’s addiction problems

Dear Eric I am and I am the fourth of five siblings My adolescent years were marked by loneliness fear bullying from others because of my weight and anxiety I had no outlet to express myself so I either over ate or took out my rage on my younger sister When I grew up I would often ruminate over how badly I treated my sister in my teen years My sister coped with her issues which are also numerous by getting involved in the drug world as a teen At age she is still an incredibly sick working addict despite various attempts at rehab I ve reached out to my sister to apologize for the way I treated her asking for forgiveness and promising to do better I constantly worry about her to the point where it would make me physically ill and my husband became worried that my obsession with helping to fix my sister s problems was affecting me mentally and physically After multiple years of therapy I know that this obsession with helping to fix her problems and be involved was all about me believing that I am responsible for how my sister turned out and I know now intellectually that it s a lot more complex than that Yet I live with this impossible dread that I get to have all of this comfort and my sister doesn t and it s not fair that I was so mean to her and possibly ruined her life What if she was so traumatized by the mean sibling that she turned to drugs to self-medicate How do I reconcile with all of this Guilty Sister Dear Sister Your attention is focused on your sister but I think you re really angry with yourself and the obsession is a reaction to feeling powerless just as it was in adolescence Hopefully your therapist has notified you the following but it bears repeating You did not have the power to make your sister a person who struggles with substances Guilt and shame feed on anything they can get their hands on But by your account your sister also had other issues to overcome beyond the way you treated her Grant yourself particular grace the thought process you re stuck in is the product of decades of trauma external and internal Every time it comes up label it for what it is your brain s way of torturing you for something you can t control Ask yourself what it would take to forgive yourself for your past actions to see yourself as someone who needed help and didn t get it and someone like your sister who was trapped in an imperfect family system Dear Eric I work in the population sector in a job that makes me well known in my field of work and well known in the region where I work but not where I live which is a sparse towns away I was of late demoted My colleagues are stumped as to the real reason why as am I This has been a hot topic in my field and the outpouring of outrage and kindness has been overwhelming My new job and new crew know of me but don t know me My plan was to explain everything to the leadership association I will be a part of but for the direct and indirect reports I will have I am not sure what to do When I introduce myself and explain my work history it will be clear to anyone that something is up How do I deal with this I already feel the stares and the whispers and I haven t started the new role yet What is the right level of truth to tell so that I can be an effective leader Follow the Leader Dear Leader One of the keys to effective leadership is establishing an expectation modeling it and not deviating from it So if your expectation is that your band performs their job functions regardless of the gossip then that s the standard you should set Related Articles Asking Eric After dementia determination friends disappeared Asking Eric Nephew plans wedding for same weekend as relative s milestone birthday party Asking Eric Readers share methods to talk about a child after loss Asking Eric In-law s demands test family patience Asking Eric Professor questioned to eulogize hard former colleague You can practice transparency without oversharing by talking about the parts of your work history that directly relate to the work you re doing now And if individuals have more specific questions direct them to speak to you one-on-one This isn t hiding the truth In your letter you write that you re as stumped as anyone else why you were demoted So continuing to engage in speculation with others isn t going to get you or them anywhere Work environments can be a breeding ground for whispers As a leader your job is to speak clearly metaphorically and definitely Make sure you have a trusted coworker or friend with whom you can process the stress you re feeling But in your leadership role share what will help others do their jobs better the rest doesn t matter Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com